My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
