You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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