No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My pussy is not your playground.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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