Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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