talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you didnt know i had herpes?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
