I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
