4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm like, not good at living.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
