I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
