just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
