before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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