1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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