so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
