It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
