Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
