she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
