Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
