im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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