just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
