i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
