woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
