I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize