I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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