he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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