Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
