yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
