Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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