There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
