The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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