I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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