I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
