Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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