I just made out with a guy for $7.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
