Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
