The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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