I got chris browned last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
