Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize