You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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