toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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