at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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