so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
