I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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