Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize