Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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