you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize