Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
