Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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