I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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