$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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