My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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