May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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