oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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