My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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