I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
