Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
and you fell through a lawn chair
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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