shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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