if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
