Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
